Ok, let's try this.

Here's the thing. I enjoy spending time with you, I obviously enjoy the sex... The problem for me is that I'm still in a vulnerable place, I'm still trying to put my shit back together you know?, and in this process I meet you, and I think you're so sweet and worried bout me, and you're worried about the way I feel and all those things... I mean you're so cute and it's a bit dangerous for me to come close to you, cause I know myself pretty well, and I know that you have lots of the qualities that I like in a guy... But at the same time I know that I can't try to put effort into a new relationship cause i'm still hurt, and I do not want to hurt you because of my own stuff. 

For example, the day we had an argument made me think that I still have non resolved issues with the need to control everything, those days made me feel crazy cause I couldn't had things controlled inside my head and I totally freaked out and started losing it... Also, the situation triggered my abandon issues so deeply that I felt again like a little girl scared to be lonely. Having all these emotions made me feel sad and angry at me at the same time, also a bit unstable... It made me realize that when I was with Nicolas and he saw this "state" of mine, he would do anything so I do not kept on feeling that way, and that often included he cancelling on other people to stay with me. You can see now why this is a new situation to me, right? (Mental note: I wanted to experience this, to feel out of my shell so I could learn how to be a better me)

One of the things I like about you is that you're like the birds flying on the sky to wherever they want to be without worrying of the place they're leaving behind. I like that you're a free spirit and I would like to feel that way about myself some day. There are other things that I admire in you, being one of the the polyglot part that's kinda hot (specially the crazy Russian talk in bed). I like how calm you are, or at least seem to be. I like that you try to establish your boundaries clear, that you're careful with the words you use, that you try to reach an agreement to solve problems...

But as I said first, I'm still hurt, and from this position I can only see your good parts and I magnify them by one hundred, dangerously idealizing you... 

So, to solve this problem I was thinking to reset our boundaries and rules. I would like to keep seeing you and spending time with you, how about you? In order to do it I think we must set a side the more intimate emotional parts, for example talking about family problems or about how we feel. Also, the hugs, the kissing and the holding hands part... It may lead me to a dangerous path I'm trying to avoid. 

(3 months later)

And it was indeed a disaster. I should have been more clear with my boundaries, I think I have to trust my guts a bit more. 

I'm still trying to figure things out. I guess I need that "me" time to reach to a conclusion. For now I'm trying not to feel ashamed about my feelings (one of the reasons I kept this blog private for a few years). My psychologist said I can't process the fact of me being lonely (not single, lonely) because I'm filling the void with meaningless one night stands. Might be true.