Me molesta a sobremanera la gente rígida que cree que su manera de hacer las cosas es la correcta, ergo los demás deben ser de esta misma forma. No obstante, me pongo a pensar y llego a la siguiente reflexión: me indigna que otros no permitan que las cosas sean de otra forma, ergo me molesta que las cosas no sean con mi manera de ver el mundo.
Pequeñas ironías de la vida.
Ok, creo que este es el primer momento en que extraño comentar mi día a día con alguien especial. Si bien siempre se puede hacer con las amistades, no es lo mismo. Reconozco que lo noté porque pensé en forma automática en escribirle a uno del ganado para contarle... hasta que recordé que estoy en proceso de detox.
Se supone que este es un momento donde debo verbalizar que estoy sola (horrible la vergüenza que siente mi lado racional por permitirse decir tal barbaridad).
I'm starting to feel lonely... Seems like I've been building this wall to keep me safe, brick by brick, the need to fill the void of not talking to someone at any moment, the need to overcompensate things were wrong in our relationship, the need to feel sorrounded by compliments to avoid the fact there's no one to make me feel important the way you made me feel.
Shit, I really miss the way I used to feel around you, although I'm not sure if I miss what I felt for you. I know this doesn't make sense, all I'm trying to say is that my feelings for you were not the same as those feelings that used to blossom every time you did something for me.
Here's the thing. I enjoy spending time with you, I obviously enjoy the sex... The problem for me is that I'm still in a vulnerable place, I'm still trying to put my shit back together you know?, and in this process I meet you, and I think you're so sweet and worried bout me, and you're worried about the way I feel and all those things... I mean you're so cute and it's a bit dangerous for me to come close to you, cause I know myself pretty well, and I know that you have lots of the qualities that I like in a guy... But at the same time I know that I can't try to put effort into a new relationship cause i'm still hurt, and I do not want to hurt you because of my own stuff.
For example, the day we had an argument made me think that I still have non resolved issues with the need to control everything, those days made me feel crazy cause I couldn't had things controlled inside my head and I totally freaked out and started losing it... Also, the situation triggered my abandon issues so deeply that I felt again like a little girl scared to be lonely. Having all these emotions made me feel sad and angry at me at the same time, also a bit unstable... It made me realize that when I was with Nicolas and he saw this "state" of mine, he would do anything so I do not kept on feeling that way, and that often included he cancelling on other people to stay with me. You can see now why this is a new situation to me, right? (Mental note: I wanted to experience this, to feel out of my shell so I could learn how to be a better me)
One of the things I like about you is that you're like the birds flying on the sky to wherever they want to be without worrying of the place they're leaving behind. I like that you're a free spirit and I would like to feel that way about myself some day. There are other things that I admire in you, being one of the the polyglot part that's kinda hot (specially the crazy Russian talk in bed). I like how calm you are, or at least seem to be. I like that you try to establish your boundaries clear, that you're careful with the words you use, that you try to reach an agreement to solve problems...
But as I said first, I'm still hurt, and from this position I can only see your good parts and I magnify them by one hundred, dangerously idealizing you...
So, to solve this problem I was thinking to reset our boundaries and rules. I would like to keep seeing you and spending time with you, how about you? In order to do it I think we must set a side the more intimate emotional parts, for example talking about family problems or about how we feel. Also, the hugs, the kissing and the holding hands part... It may lead me to a dangerous path I'm trying to avoid.
(3 months later)
And it was indeed a disaster. I should have been more clear with my boundaries, I think I have to trust my guts a bit more.
I'm still trying to figure things out. I guess I need that "me" time to reach to a conclusion. For now I'm trying not to feel ashamed about my feelings (one of the reasons I kept this blog private for a few years). My psychologist said I can't process the fact of me being lonely (not single, lonely) because I'm filling the void with meaningless one night stands. Might be true.
Suena bastante lógico, pero hay momentos en que es difícil internalizar que hay cosas que uno no puede cambiar. Esa capa de super woman atada a mi espalda pesa cada vez que siento no hay nada más por hacer (de mi parte). Quizás parte de la ansiedad anticipatoria instaura en mi el pensamiento de que un otro rápidamente logrará hacer una inspección interna, adelantando y acelerando el proceso.
Aparentemente me es bastante sencillo pasar de estos pensamientos automáticos a la sobreidentificación como mecanismo defensivo. Importante, no volverlo algo personal, no dejar que el sobrepensar me lleve a pensar en la frustración. Bueno, de todos modos debería dejar de sobrepensar, pero sería como pedirle a una persona que deje de respirar (I know it sounds ridiculous but is just the way it is).
Uno de los problemas que siento tras "desconectarme" de la emoción es esa sensación de que todo me parece absurdo and nonsense, the sensation of being small in a world full of demons.
Nevermind, after all it's a relief to conect again with my "I" side of the MBTI.
Ok, tras darle vuelta al asunto, y con un poco de apoyo de cierta impulsividad, he decidido (tras muchos años) reabrir mi blog para el público. Si usted pasa por aquí siéntase libre de dejar un mensajito, abróchese su cinturón y póngase cómodo para iniciar el viaje al centro de la mente de Amanda.
I'm not sure if I can call it "desmotivación", pero honestamente no tengo ánimos de hacer nada, pese a que a mi mente se le ocurren varios panoramas. Series? películas? guitarra? batería? escribir?, most of them no me movilizan (except for the last one lol). Me siento plana, en un momento de tranquilidad que se ha vuelto aburrimiento.
Acaba de llegar el recuerdo a mi mente that last week i was almost hipomaniac, my libido was on top of the roof... but now suddenly... todo lo contrario? Oh shit (modo psicóloga activado). Could it be my thyroid messing with me again? Creo que estaré atenta a las típicas señales (frecuencia cardiaca elevada, cansancio y fatiga muscular, baja de peso sin hacer nada, trembling).
I'm not sure que más podría escribir, all I know is that I like this spanglish writing.
